We Are Not Who We Were

And Won't Be Again.

One of the most freeing lessons I’ve learned recently is that we should not hold people hostage to who they used to be.

Read that again.

See, I believe we have made huge mistakes in our lives with other people. We have decided what a person is like - and most probably, you, like I, have not left any room for growth.

If we can grow, so can they.

We all carry around former versions of ourselves, stories we’ve outgrown, behaviours shaped by survival, not wisdom, mistakes made from confusion rather than cruelty. And yet, those old versions tend to trail behind us like a lost puppy, even when we’ve worked hard to set them free.

Photo by Dulcey Lima

I’ve witnessed how fast someone can be flattened into their worst moment. One bad decision, one naive phase, one slip-up, and suddenly, that’s who they “are” forever. It’s as if the rest of their story gets erased. But real life isn’t a headline. It’s a living, evolving thing. People change when given half a chance.

We all have chapters we’d rather skip. Things we wish we could go back and undo. But regret is part of growth. And while we can’t rewrite our pasts, we can write a better next page. I’ve done it. I’ve seen people do it, and if we are committed to growth, we all will continue to.

Isn’t this what it’s all about?

This is especially true in close relationships. I often used to ask my grandparents what their secret was. They had stayed together for nearly 60 years, and what’s changed between then and now isn’t just about relationships and all that they are and can be; it’s about how we approach them, as individuals and together. It’s about what we expect from them, and how we see ourselves within them.

It all starts with us.

Don’t get me wrong. Not everyone will change. There are some people who are just not ready for this kind of commitment. They don’t even see it. Hence, their unconscious behaviour patterns.

I try not to concentrate on those too much!

BUT - I’ve watched those who once burned with chaos grow into safe harbours. I’ve seen old friends soften, become more patient, more reflective. I’ve seen people wake up to their blind spots and do the difficult, unglamorous work of becoming better humans. Not for applause. Because it matters.

Growth isn’t always something you can post about. It’s insular, quiet and often lonely. It’s a deep breath, not a lashing out. Choosing not to react the way you used to, even when no one’s watching, is the ultimate step forward!

So I ask you to pause and really digest this.

The Gold

When we reduce someone to a (former) version of themselves, we are robbing them, and ourselves, of the chance to experience who they are now, who they choose to be in that very moment.

We shut the door on human evolution and deny the truth that we, too, are constantly changing.

Because here’s the gold, if we want grace for our own becoming, we blooming well have to extend it to other people too.

None of us are linear. We are never ‘finished’. We are in motion, in a flow - shedding, stumbling, stretching, trying again. Don’t you think that deserves acknowledgement, compassion and above all - our time?

Let’s choose to evolve together.